My Move

My life, in one month, has drastically changed. 

I've rediscovered my sense of self and my faith in me has risen many times over. Some of this comes from being kicked out of Portland and yet feeling like it was a gift. Some of it arises out of my social reconstruction over the past couple months. I have solid friends in Portland. People I love and care about very much. For the first many months here, friendships were sparse and disingenuous--partly because I constructed them in my mind that way. It took me a while to truly appreciate Portland and its people, but I do now. 

A few months ago, a good friend told me that their biggest worry about the way I've aged is that my cynical side was destroying the part of me that used to believe in love in a very unbridled, exciting way. I had, until lately, made love more scientific, more sanitized. 

But my cynical side has now been, for an undetermined amount of time, crushed and destroyed. And that makes me as curious and adventurous as I remember myself being 5-6 years ago. An absolute and disengaging part of me has been revisited, as if I showed up at a grave and instead it was empty and attached was a note from the deceased saying they were partying in Paris. It is refreshing. I have no expectations as I'm trying to prepare for everything, but I have no lack of hope. Thanks Barack!

As I head back to the Bay Area, I am returning to my youth, family I've missed, and unfinished endeavors. I am purposefully only taking what I can fit in my car--it's time to have a new start. I need to remind myself that I am not these things I own, but simply a capable person.