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Friday, June 27, 2008

Traveling Incog

Every time that I ride the train, I do so incognito. I never pay. I
try every ticket machine to see if it will take my credit card, and
when it doesn't I board. I have no ticket. 20 rides later and I have
yet to see someone check. Regardless, I try to pay every time. And
when it doesn't work, I write it off. I assume that for this ride, I'm
spent. I did my best.

So everytime I go downtown there's an inclination to figure out if I
am going to make it. And yet here I am, watching the horizontal world
pass like a kaleidoscope as the man three seats up makes passes at a guy
reading the sports page.

I am, in this pose, a ticketless entrepreneur. I survive from stop
to stop expecting that my invisibility is my guise.

Wiloiooooo drunk.
--------------------------

Note: I should have never enabled the ability to update my blog via my phone. This is a horrible idea. 

On the train

I'm watching a couple right now. Across the way they stand, clearly
together. But in an interesting switch, he keeps his distance. As she
talks he doesn't have his hand around her or near her. Instead, he is
simply watching her eyes. With that freedom she accentuates her speech
with hand gestures galore. She fixes his shirt, pats his hair, and
makes her own decisions. In the midst of their conversation he has
forced her to take hold of him.

Over the past few minutes she has moved closer. They have switched
poles on the train. And he, not to control her, has kept his distance.

With every movement she has taken the chance to act in her own regard.
And for this they have both been rewarded.

Old Poem

Found this one gathering dust the other day. Funny the stuff I wrote drunk in Brockton.

I've left myself with no home,
no box to store myself in
no space to place these thoughts,
caving the tunnel behind me so that each
attempt to go back or follow the wet walls
when darkness falls I find the rubble
that keeps every brockton or danville at bay
till I finally can say that this is my life,
my early crises gone till I see that
maybe I can live on my own,
prove that I've grown out of a degree
and into me.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Yes.

I am excited for the 4th of July.

That is all.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Lost Coast

I've been a lot of places in my life. It's one of the luckier aspects of being the son of someone in the airline industry. Since that first, child-induced urge to travel, I've experienced some off-the-wall places--some quite extracted from society.

But nothing comes even close to this last weekend on the Lost Coast.

10 hours away from Portland is a small town named Shelter Cove in Northern California. A 9 mile hike from shelter cove along the Pacific Ocean on tough rocks and loose sand will transport you to what is, quite literally, a land lost from civilization.

Surfers have known this spot for many years. It was a surfer, my friend Michelle's uncle, who with the help of a friend turned a barn into the most unique location I have ever been to.

The hike to the camp is brutal. The sand and rocks are consistently uneven. After a few miles, the ankles swell from the loose rocks and sloping sand. The feet sink with every step, so each foot forward is 3 times the effort it would be on land. On top of this, you're wearing a heavy pack which only sinks you further into the blackness of the beach.

Eleven of us set out on this adventure--all friends from college set in the ways of reconnection and youthful recalibration. There was little talk of work, much of life, and laughter. Easy laughter that drains from you when there's no reason not to laugh. We walked the beach and shifted pairings, encouraging each other along. As we struck land, we walked through golden meadows to arrive at the camp.

For nine miles, we saw nothing but rock, sand, seaweed, and the occasional hiker. Never trash, never buildings or structures, never a mechanical instrument. Suddenly, after this twisting route along the coast to come upon what may have very well been a castle felt like a hallucination. A mirage from the heat and hike. But as we walked the landing strip that had facilitated our supplies being flown in days earlier, the excitement of the camp's find was one of the most appreciated of my life. Here we were, able to share in Michelle's family's legacy--an escape known to few that could not be more separated from normal life.

A barn housed us. Mats and blankets and sleeping bags were our rest. A spa, a metal bin with wood slats at the bottom, was heated by fire underneath--a human stew of sorts. The kitchen building showed every sign of having been handmade due to the difficulties of being able to get anything pre-built into the camp. Originally built as a surfer's haven, it had every touch of the ocean life-style. Books ranging from philosophy to composting, surfboards fixed between beams in the ceiling, pictures on the walls of waves ridden and snapshots with youths standing tall next to their boards stuck in the sand as if posing with a lover.

We spent three days on that coast. Cooking our meals, drinking ourselves silly, hiking the coast, singing camp songs, playing football or frisbee...even just napping on the beach or at the house. The coast was ours and we were so very lost. Happily lost in it all.

When we left, we attempted to leave no trace of us having been there. But the truth is, once you're there, part of you stays. Part of me will always dream of that coast the way I dream of my grandparents' houses that I will never enter again. It is a space that reconstituted my thoughts of freedom and escape. I await eagerly to go back some day if the option arises, but I treated the goodbye with finality. I can never plan to be as free as I was on that coast because I never planned it hiking in. The freedom became. I awakened to the idea that we were alone and up to our own devices. Each of us was a lord of the flies, and we built our own fantastic society.

















Thursday, June 19, 2008

Enjoy

Friday, June 13, 2008

Clarification

So I write. Blog writing is certainly something I enjoy. I also write poetry. And then I make movies of those poems. I also write essays and emails and my name on government forms and on envelopes and on body parts when my fans walk up to me with a Sharpie and ask for my signature. So of all those things I write (one of which I made up), sometimes there's personal stuff in there. Or introspective...stuff. And things. Now some of it has meaning. Some of it really was about an actual person! I've always been surprised at how much paler my imagination is compared to real life, so I write about real things. Maybe it's an old relationship. Or a dream. Or a thought. Or maybe I was really drunk. Or maybe my servant monkey took control of the computer. 


The main thing with most of my writing (and most of the time it's just poetry) is that I just write it. I have to. I can't really control what I write and sometime ago, I moved beyond any shame or embarrassment affiliated with making those words public. In fact, I settled quite some time ago with the idea that whoever is me is going to be public. I think blogs in society have helped a lot of people come to this realization. Not a lot of people shared their "journal" before. It was kind of unheard of. Well, hello 2008. Things are a bit different. 

So, I write poetry. And it's out there. Maybe it's about you. Maybe it's not. Maybe if was about you yeaaaaaaaaaars ago. But hey, not to draw any comparison, but just because Oliver got older it doesn't mean Charles Dickens went back and rewrote the thing. So take the context of my poetry with at least 10 grains of salt. Maybe 20. Because in the end, it doesn't always make sense to me sometimes. 

Whew, well that's out of the way. My other blog is available now. 

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Loss

____ is one of my regular students at work. He's one of my favorites, not just because he's about 40-50 years younger than my average clientele, but he reminds me of myself in many ways. He's a sponge for all things tech and I can cover 4-5 sessions worth of material in an hour. I can just see it clicking and his parents tell me they've never seen him so excited about any sort of class. I've only squished his mind a few times with too much information, but he always comes back with a list of questions and really pushes himself to understand. During the last session he asked how old he has to be to work for Apple. I told him he still had five years and he sank in his seat a little. I didn't want to have a job until I was...well, I still don't want to have a job really. But here he is at the age of 13 and he wants to do what I do. For lack of a better word, that's neat-o.


Well, I got an email from him earlier this week saying that he couldn't make the session because his grandfather died. I didn't really know how to respond to it, so I kept things business-as-usual and rescheduled the session and followed with "sorry for your loss." I wanted to say so much more though. I was his age when my grandfather died and it throttled my reality and my life out of whack so intensely that it wasn't until I was in college that I was able to open up about how profound it was to lose my first close family member. But it's not my place to say anything about it. I have to bite my tongue. 

Next week I'm going to hit him with the hardest lesson material I can find and give his mind a logical puzzle instead of the abstract conundrum of death.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Quite the weekend

I went home this past weekend. My mother turned 60. I interviewed for a job. Friendships shifted. Some refreshed. Some ended. Overall, it was a good time. The cheerleader on the flight back that I sat next to summed it up well when she asked for her drink. "Can I get an AMF?" Of course, no, she couldn't, but I knew how she felt. With the plane flying away, AMF indeed.

I left the Bay Area beat tired, happy, contented, and unbelievably frustrated. Tired of the days events. There were no days off on my days off. I don't sleep in anymore. Never make it past 830. Happy with the time spent with family and friends. Contented with the finality I experienced. Frustrated with being treated as the same breakable and obsessed heart I once was. I understand, the status quo of my emotional attachments falling apart was once the reliable and excessive turn of defense and pain. It's not any longer. I'm too ambivalent. I'm only worried about my friendships I care to sustain.

Portland is _____, but the comfortable people I've known here are soon to depart for over a year to go abroad. Change is coming again. I've been here for one year to get comfortable and I think I'm ready for the situation to change.

And I'm out of energy. I'm just spent. No real sentences here.

But you. Nice to talk to you again. It's been a while.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I love xkcd.



www.xkcd.com

Monday, June 2, 2008

Hey you.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

The couple.

They're outside, smoking. They're in their own world, whispering daggers in the nook of the door. I walk by and step into the tap room to order a beer. 10 minutes go by and they walk back in. He looks like he wants to comfort her, a sad despondent look hovering behind his stiff-lipped seriousness.

They sit back down to beers I hadn't noticed. She sees the glass and reaches out as if to drink it, but only picks it up to set it back down a few steps further away from his. He doesn't notice. He's busy hand-rolling a cigarette. His movements are surgical--not a single quake of his hand. She is ambivalent, staring inwards and tapping her right foot to some unknown beat.

Without making eye contact, he passes the cigarette to her and begins to roll his own. She looks like she might vomit into her glass. I can't lie, I think it would be more comfortable for me if she did, if she did something human. I walked in on this. I've sat here staring and I've somehow made myself an accomplice of looking where I shouldn't, being curious where the place isn't mine, and unwillingly I've fallen upon this scene of encrypted feelings and I don't know where the story ends. I can't tell if she's pregnant. If she's dying. If a family member just died. Their relationship just died or if one of them adulterated whatever veil of perfection may have stood therein. It's moments like these I shame myself for taking pictures of people, and luckily I have no camera with me. But I have no business being a part of this sorrow, because regarding the business and pain of others, it is no business of mine.

Before he had the chance to finish rolling the last of the American Spirit into its paper, she stands and walks out the door. He hastily packs up the tobacco into his pocket and leaves the cigarette on the table. And just like that, out they went, back into the night, back to their lives. Forty five minutes later and the cigarette is still on the table. As I lay my money on the bar and step out onto Broadway, I glance left and then right.

They're gone. I'll never know.